Jittery Folks In Newjob Rest Easy With Captain Deer Thompson In Charge

Anytown, USA::People used to get nervous, gassy and bloated each time they drove through Newjob, Iowa. Nervous, gassy, and bloated until they met Deer Thompson.

"You know, we have not always had such a tightly knit union here in Newjob," stated Thompson. "When I took the job as Sheriff we had very few union-backed state employees, too many people issuing government cheese, and people stealing marlboro miles and redeeming them for roofs....not too mention no direct deposit!"

Deer, the third born in a family of three, didn't always want to be the Sheriff of Newjob though.

"I wanted to come out with brand of sports snack mixes," said Deer. "They would have been collectibles, like baseball cards. A specific nut mix selected by the Chicago Cubs! How cool would that be? You could be grabbing all the different Chicago Cubs favorite nuts! Like Andre Dawson, you could be munching on his nuts to your heart's desire. I am actually thinking about a creating a restaurant brand behind this concept and calling it, The NootsZone."

When The Razzi called the city of Newjob to confirm Thompson's employment, we were told there was no such person working for the city, however, a person named Tom Davidson had clogged their toliets earlier that day.